Why the Frog ? FROG=
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The marriage relationship is like trying to find the path through an unknown land. Although others have gone this way before, each couple embarks on a journey through their own personal new territory. They look forward to finding fellowship, contentment, happiness, joy and companionship as they travel through this land called life. Unfortunately what they often find is discouragement, misunderstanding, bitterness and anger, and loneliness. Marriage, instead of destroying self-centeredness and replacing it with oneness can, do just the opposite if it is not based on a right relationship. How do we find this right relationships in marriage? How do we find the program, the plan, the balance that will provide the path that is most likely to lead to the best outcome? Pick up almost any magazine on the news stand and you are very likely to find "10 Tips for a Great Marriage ", "The Secret of Successful Marriages ", "Is Marriage Still Viable?". Many people are talking about marriage and what they think it should be. Every pop psychologist worth his or her salt has a theory to expound about marriage or re-marriage or whether to marry. With all this "good" advice why are we seeing so much divorce? Could it be that all these "good" tips and secrets are not so good after all? What are couples missing that would help them truly have a better marriage? Many people miss the most essential marriage guide book available, the Holy Bible. Not only is the Bible our blueprint for the Christian life, but also the blueprint for marriage. Marriages beginning with both spouses in a right relationship with God are more likely to have a right relationships with each other. Knowledge and application of God's plan for marriage and families is the basis for good marriages. Just as you cannot build a house without a plan, neither can you build a marriage with out a plan. God provides that plan in His Word. Sometimes in modern society it is difficult to understand the roles of men and women in marriage. The marriage demands a head (the one in charge) and a follower. If the follower is not subordinate, then arrogance will create friction in the relationship. This is the only way this team can function. God invented these rules. Those who break them will discover the consequences. When the husband is weak and has no capacity for life and love or the wife is headstrong or flighty, the marriage is in trouble. It is imperative that the two function as a single unit in marriage. They must both go the same way. There must be cohesion in the pursuit of life. The two must be one - i.e. one unit, one mind, one complete solution. The Bible is quite clear in what those roles should be. "For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the savior.", {Ephesians 5:23 NIV} Does that mean that the husband is or has the authority to run rough-shod over his wife as a dictator and/or slave master? Absolutely not! This is not about values, nor is it about work. It is not about who's more important, or who's more cherished by God. Galatians 3:28 says in that regard, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female,..." A man is not worth one whit more than a woman. This is about function; it is about roles that create order. The Bible states that this is a leadership of love, and love and authority are intertwined in this passage. "The husband is to be the head, the leader of his wife. Leadership without love usually results in tyranny, but in marriage, love without leadership leads to unstable fanciful romanticism. A right balance of responsible authority and unselfish love must be maintained."1 "In other words, the man's role in marriage was to be characterized primarily by service and sacrifice. He was to put his wife's interests above is own."2 Being head of a family, business, or any other organization is not to be a tyrant. Anyone doing so and who has any type of relationship with people will not be successful. Businesses cannot flourish if the manager is a tyrant. His employees will not be happy, productive, nor will they probably stay with the company for long. Marriages are quite similar. If the husband is a tyrant the wife cannot be happy, productive, or effectively function as wife and mother in the home. Many times this type of situation winds up in the divorce court. As well Christ does not treat His church that way, He loves, cares, protects, and gave his life for his church. We speak of Eve being taken from Adam's rib to walk beside him, not his head to over him nor his foot to be trampled under.. A two-headed marriage will not work well. "A two-headed anything is a mistake of nature and is considered a freak. Two heads in a marriage relationship is no different. And God is not in the business of making monsters. He created the marriage union with one head only."3 In Genesis God said, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.", {Genesis 2:24}. The headship of a man in marriage certainly does not and should not rule out mutually agreed-upon decisions . The husband is the value creator, the direction marker for his family. He does not act alone. The couple that does not seek agreement in prayer is missing an important asset in defending against problems. A simple prayer together can reduce the size of many mountains to manageable size. Perhaps the biblical principle of headship and submission in marriage is as misunderstood and misapplied as any teaching in the Bible. Many people think they know what a scriptural marriage is without first studying the real implications of each spouse's role in a Christian union. What is biblical, authentic headship of the Christian marriage and family? How submissive and what kind of submission is a Christian wife expected to exhibit? "Submission is an attitude of heart--and an attitude of yieldness and of love."4 Anyone who has tried to drag a recalcitrant child out of a toy store knows the value of a willing heart. This is true in a marriage as well. This does not mean that disagreements will never happen, but a heart with a willing attitude will want to seek resolution. The husband is the "servant-leader". Despite the abuses often associated with the term, power is not a dirty word. Rather, power can be either a blessing or a curse. In the hands of God, it has always been a source of blessing. Domination is the chief use of power by the world. It is the tool of Satan. There's not a time where Jesus Christ says that a man, or anybody else, should ever exert power by domination. More emphasis was put on how the husband should lead than on being sure the wife is submissive. "It is significant to note, too, that Paul never speaks to husbands to say to them, 'husbands, your wives must be obedience to you; you are the head and you must stand on your rights.' The Christian concept of love would forbid such an attitude on the part of the husband. Paul is always speaking to wives who willingly and out of the response of love are looking to their husbands for the leadership role. It is never a case of a husband demanding, it is rather always a matter of the wife's giving."5 As the head of the family the husband is to lead, love and serve. "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.", {Mark 10:45}. Just as Christ gave himself for the church, the husband should be fully concerned with his wife's welfare and protects her. His shelter and stability gives his wife freedom to be the best she can be. He values her and her opinions, he is her encourager, her greatest fan. He doesn't demand submission, nor stifle honest dissension. He loves his wife unconditionally and shows it by words and actions. What exactly is biblical submission? Many people from ages back as well as today, seem to think of it as blind obedience, or servitude. Submission is more of a commitment than a service. As a legal document is supported and strengthened by other documents submitted and attached to it, so a wife should be to her husband. Historically, when most people accepted a more authoritative role for men in society, government and business, men as heads of families and their wives was less questioned. This does not automatically mean that they were in a headship that was biblical nor that women who had little choice but to be submissive were submissive in a scriptural sense. As Christians we all, men and women, boys and girls, are under submission to Christ. In return for our commitment to (submission) Christ, the blessings we receive are immeasurable. Today when all the old ways, even God's "old" ways are being called into question, how can Christian counselors help engaged couples or already married couples understand God's plan for marriage? How can they help them understand and put into practical use this important principle? "Difficult? Yes. Impossible really without the wisdom and strength of the Holy Spirit."6 Unfortunately people relegate God to Sunday and leave Him out of Monday through Saturday. God is limited to "religious" things. If God has priority in their lives it will change the dynamics of their lives and that of their relationship with one another. Individualism has become a catchword of our modern society. "But the same 'I' orientation that can build great businesses or produce great works of art will inevitably sound the death knell of marriage"7 In many marriages leadership seems to be missing; everyone does their own thing. For the man to not accept leadership and authority is as bad as abusing it. To say a marriage has no leadership is to say the body has no head. We know a body cannot survive without a head. The same holds true where the man does not lead or where both partners try to be the head. As we have discussed previously a two-headed creature is considered a freak, but one with no head is just as unnatural. "But quite frankly, if you want your marriage to work, you have to quit focusing on your rights and concentrate instead on the unity of the relationship."8 Until both can put self aside and consideration, care, concern and real love can be put in place, a marriage is headed for rough and rocky times. What is the role or characteristics of a leader and that of a follower? First a good leader is not a dictator. Rather a good leader is one who listens and responds. "A man has a clear responsibility to ‘cheer up his wife which he hath taken’, (Deuteronomy 24:5). He must not claim himself ‘a rock’ who will never allow himself to be vulnerable again"9 He must have the well being of those he leads as his priority. He must consider what is best for the whole unit and not just what he wants. Leadership comes in many forms. It uses various styles. It possesses diverse qualities, but a person who is truly a leader will have influence at his disposal. That influence brings two things, it brings authority and power. And no group, no organization, no collection of people, no marriage will go very long without some kind of leadership. In the marriage he must love his wife. "Real love isn't merely a euphoric feeling, feelings ebb an flow. The biblical principles for marriage stress loving your spouse as a child of God. When you do that successfully, your mate will most likely respond in kind."10 Second a good follower is not one who has no input or never questions their leader. A good relationship between a leader and a follower is where the follower can express themselves and their ideas without fear of repercussion. After all, you can't be a leader if no one follows. "Successful marriages usually rest on a foundation of accountability between husbands and wives. They reinforce responsible behavior in one another by a divinely inspired system of checks and balances."11 If a wife gives her husband 100% and he in turn gives her 100% then they are both secure. This kind of relationship has no losers. It is a win-win situation. Many people have the misconception that commitment is a way of tying one down. "Quite the contrary: commitment is a way of letting go. Commitment requires a willingness to trust, not only another person, but in the forces that brought you together. Commitment represents a willingness to let go of total control."12 It is scary to entrust all of yourself to someone else. This kind of mutual vulnerability rather than being a weakness, paradoxically makes stronger individuals, as well as, and more importantly, stronger marriages. This type of commitment can only be achieved through Christ. "It takes three persons to make a satisfying marriage. A husband, a wife, and God."13 If a woman knows her husband will give 100% of himself to her, she will feel confident in trusting him to be the head of or leader of both herself and the family. More importantly, she will be blessed because she is first of all in obedience to God. Bill Cosby commented on his marriage this way, " I am happiest when she is happy, which means I am happy most of the time."14 Many of the problems we see today in our society are directly a result of lack of stable marriages and families. Marriage effects every aspect of society. It influences the most intimate aspect of personal privacy and personal of an reaches the foundation of every institution of the culture. Marriage is the foundation of every aspect of society. Marriage really is at the very heart of a nation. Marriage affects every aspect of human life not only for those who are married but also for the unmarried. When marriages prosper, the nation rises; when marriages fail, the nation falls. Divorce not only rattles the foundation of a nation and it's judicial system, but through its influences on children, it alters the course of the next generation. Breakdowns in marriage and family values are the steps to the deterioration of a culture and a nation. Dr. Tony Evans in one of his sermons said, "Basic economics is no excuse for promiscuity and racism doesn't get teenage girls pregnant, the fact is, if dad doesn't provide spiritually responsible leadership in the home, - - baby!" Being a responsible Dad and leader in the family takes more than just going to work and bringing home money. It takes direction from the Holy Spirit and biblical love of wife and family. " Real love isn't merely a euphoric feeling. Feelings ebb and flow. The biblical principles for marriage stress loving your spouse as a child of God. When you do that successfully, your mate will most likely respond in kind and you'll both experienced inner growth."15 Without that kind of love and leadership the family falters and the marriage is weak. In order for our society to be stable and peaceful, it must be based on solid and faithful family values. If there is no strength in the family leadership of the father, the children lose their sense of moral value. Without the biblical and spiritual guidance of the male figure in the family the family values crumble. What the children see and hear within their own family or lack of family is what they carry into society. "If marriages are consistently crumbling, children will lose their primary source of moral guidance. Crime and emotional problems began to run rampant. Instability flourishes. Anarchy flows from the family roots, upward and downward."16 It takes a stable and working family unit with the leadership of the father to maintain spiritual and biblical guidance. Any working organization, or marriage requires leaders and followers. Leaders must be leaders and not drivers, followers must be followers and not trailers. Both leaders and followers must work together as a single unit to accomplish goals set before them. The husband is the scriptural, designated leader. As Christ is the head of the church, the husband is the head of the family. The husband's relationship with his wife must be first of all spiritual. "Until you realize that fact, your marriage can never be what you want it to be. But armed with that knowledge, combined with the power of the Holy Spirit of God, you can have an invincible marriage. Nothing will be able to put asunder that which God hath joined together."17 Marriage and family, then, influences our society and a strong marriage must be based on biblical and spiritual guidelines. Footnotes - References Halieus Home ........Sorry, but a Javascript-enabled browser is required to email me. |
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Halieus Sunago The Fishermans Net
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